A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
