I accidentally had phone sex last night
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
