here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
