Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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