I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
