Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
