i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
