This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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