I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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