I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
