Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
