I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
this hospital has no fireball
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
