I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
