What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Hippo gnu deer
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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