I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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