Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
