I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
