Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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