he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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