my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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