saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
