I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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