kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she pinky promised me she was 18
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
