i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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