Plan B is the new Plan A
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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