After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
