I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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