Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
