Are we in a gay sports bar?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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