shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
