he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
