I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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