Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You're like the curious george of whores
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
