the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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