Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
