You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
