so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
