My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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