8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
