i just had sex bonerless
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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