I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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