My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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