I just threw up on my dentist
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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