I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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