you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
