dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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