i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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