It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize