Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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