OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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