i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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