apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
