I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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