The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize