picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
